The Right Decision?
by justkillingtime
Summary: Lindsay's first day at the taskforce isn't quite what she expected, has she made the right decision by leaving Intelligence. A retelling of the events around and during episode 02.11 'We Don't Work Together Anymore' told from Lindsay's point of view. This was going to be a one shot but the writing is got a bit away from me so it is more of a three shot. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Author Note/Summary:** This entire story is from Lindsay's point of view of the events around and during episode 02.11 'We Don't Work Together Anymore'. I thought it might be a bit of fun to try and get inside her head for a bit. This was going to be a one shot but the writing is getting a bit away from me so it might be more of a three or four shot. Comments/reviews are welcomed, it has been a while since I've tried writing in second person like this. I hope you enjoy.

* * *

You stand in your apartment in the crisp dark blue suit and white shirt. It is the only suit you own, the PD wasn't big on wearing suits, they had dress uniforms for formal occasions and jeans were much more appropriate for the rough and dirty work Intelligence got into. You make a mental note to go shopping after shift and you walk out the door.

You arrive at headquarters, the building is new, everything is big and shiny, sterile looking. Nothing like district 21, that building was old and a little run down, you never noticed it while you were there but you being to think of it as homey and inviting. There is nothing homey and inviting about the feds building.

You show your paperwork to the guard managing the entrance. He pulls your ID from a locked draw behind the desk, hands it to you and tells you where to go. You swipe into the building and make your way to the elevators. Your task force is based on the twelfth floor. On the ride up you feel yourself start to get nervous, your heart rate increases but thankfully your hands stay dry. You meet up with your boss Agent Lang; he's still annoyed at you for being late, not late today but late in general. You were supposed to start over a week ago but you couldn't leave Intelligence until you knew Burgess was okay.

He briefs you on the case you'll be working, busting up a major player in the Zeta Cartel. The idea of this excites you, if the taskforce is successful more drugs and money will be pulled off the street in a day, then Intelligence had pulled off all year. You smile to yourself, 'this was the right move' you think. He leads you into the briefing room, your mouth drops at the size of it, at the technology on display. The end wall is almost entirely covered in television screens, there are a dozen desks with computers at them and more seats arranged lecture style. The room is full of Agents, both analysts and SWAT.

"It's a beautiful day for a raid," Lang says as he comes to stand in front of the taskforce. They break into a round of applause and you feel a little vomit in your mouth. They shouldn't be clapping, you think, they haven't done anything yet, all the research is in, the plan is set but nothing has been achieved.

The first piece of doubt crosses your mind and you ask yourself again, 'have I made the right decision?'

Lang doesn't see your doubt; he begins to brief the taskforce. As the briefing goes on you can feel an excitement building in the air, an energy you've never felt before, everyone is itching to move, to make the bust, and bring Mendoza down. For everyone else this is the climax to two months of surveillance and research, it's like you've walked into the party the moment the cake has been brought out. You've arrived just as the action is about to pop.

After the briefing Lang takes you to meet your CI Kylie. Kylie is scared, you see her hands shaking as you go over the details once more, she wants out but she'd afraid Mendoza is going to find out.

"If Damien finds out I'm as good as dead," she says. You can see the fear in her eyes, you want to reach out and touch her, squeeze her hand and tell her it will work but you know those things aren't done in the taskforce. You don't go holding hands with your CIs. Instead you try and comfort her with words, go over what is going to happen again, reassure her Damien won't know a thing and tomorrow it will all be over. She seems to calm a little but the fear doesn't go away, you're not surprised. You can relate to her feelings, years ago that was you, you were the CI sitting at the table praying the bust would go right and knowing if it didn't it would be your head on the chopping block.

"If anything happens text the number we gave you," you tell her and you offer a sympathetic smile. She just looks back at you scared. "It's time," you say and you both stand up together, Kylie heads for the exit and you go off to find Lang.

Standing in the change rooms you're the only woman in a room full of men. This doesn't surprise you, you've spent most of your career as the only woman in the room full of men. You pull out your new uniform, black pants, black shirt, black boots, black tactical vest, and black helmet. 'Good thing I can rock black,' you think to yourself and you take off your suit jacket and begin to lift your shirt. The room is full of a casual chatter but as your shirt comes up you hear someone wolf whistle. You freeze and turn to the men around you, the room has gone silent, everyone is staring at you waiting to see how you react.

"Seriously?" you say eyeing off the men in the room, looking for the one who whistled, "I haven't heard that shit since the academy. Grow up," then you turn back to the task at hand, changing for the raid. For the second time that morning you ask yourself 'have I made the right decision?' You've always been used to working in a men's club, but this place is different, this isn't a men's club, it's a boys club and you're not invited. You expected more from the feds.

When you're changed you go and find Lang, he leads you through to another locker room. He's telling you about all the equipment you're about to be issued, all the technology the taskforce has at its disposal, helmet cams, radio communication, everything you've always dreamed of having, wished the Chicago PD had money to invest in, it makes everyone safer, holds everyone accountable. You've read all about it, Lang's words don't surprise, not until he says "Your weapon," and then starts telling you all about the Glock 45 every agent carries. He's rattling off a lot of impressive specs, the 45 is a good weapon but it's not your weapon.

"No my 19 goes with me everywhere," you say placing a protective hand over your 19. Your 19 has been with you for years, it's saved your life on more than one occasion and fits your hand just right. You know how your 19 works, you could hit anything with your 19 but Lang is looking down at you, telling you to take the 45. Reluctantly you unclip your 19 and take the 45, you're pissed off, angry and uncomfortable. The 45 is bigger than your 19, heavier, it doesn't sit right on your hip, it feels wrong and you hope you don't have to use it. The idea of drawing a gun you've never fired makes you uncomfortable, you don't know how it handles, how it and you will react when you pull the trigger. For the third time that morning you ask yourself 'have I made the right decision?'

Driving over to the raid everything is slick, professional, completely by the book, no one speaks unless spoken to, no one asks a question unless they need to know the answer. As you pull up everyone slides out the cars, moves into position, everyone knows their place; everyone knows where they belong, what their job is. You move into the sheet metal place through the side door, everything goes smoothly, everything is going to plan until you reach the back, the loading docks are empty, Mendoza isn't there and neither is Kylie, her handbag is still sitting on the chair by her desk. 'She must have tipped Mendoza off,' you think feeling both fear and anger for her. Mendoza is a bad guy, tipping him off wouldn't have made her safer; it would have only made the situation more dangerous.

Driving back to headquarters everyone is quiet; there is a sombre angry feeling to the air. Lang is pissed off, two months of investigation is over. You're already trying to work out what the next move is. When you get back to the office, Castillo the other agent you're working with starts rattling off, excuses, reasons why it all went belly up, this was his mistake, at the same time he starts listing possible moves, every one of his suggestions is valid but he shoots them all down himself as soon as he says them, 'covering his own arse' you think. He wants to point out the holes in his suggestions in case they don't work. Lang orders homeland security be called and you follow him back to his office.

"Kylie played us," he says but that doesn't sit right with you. You saw how scared she looked, how much she longed for this to all be over, that doesn't fit with her tipping Mendoza off. Something is missing you think but you don't know what. You ask Lang about Kylie, about what he really knows about her. He starts rattling off stuff about Kylie, she was brought in for small drug charges, none of it makes sense to you.

Finally he stops long enough for you to speak, you've been thinking hard about what the next move should be. You don't think Mendoza has left the city, you think he's still here, hiding somewhere. You know what you want to do; you've wanted to suggest it since the raid went south. Lang suggests getting the fugitive apprehension unit on the line, you gulp, step forward, sit down. You carefully plan your words, you don't want to bag another unit but you know they're not the best for the job; you lay your argument out and finish with what you want.

"Let me call my old unit," you say.

Sitting somewhere alone, quiet you pull out your phone, you dial Hank's number. 'He'll go for it,' you think to yourself but the slightest bit of doubt crosses your mind as you wait for him to answer. When he finally answers you can hear the smile in his voice, he asks you how you are, you're grateful for the small talk, you wish you could sit and talk to him about everything that has happened, about all the moments of doubt and second guessing which have already crossed your mind today but you don't have time. You get straight to the point, you ask for his help.

"You sure?" he asks you down the line. Doubt crosses your mind again, you think he doesn't want to help but that's not the case. He says they'll come, they'll be right over and you feel relief, you're looking forward to seeing familiar faces.

You meet Intelligence in the lobby, you hug every single one of them as you greet them.

"Are you okay?" Hank asks you.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just this case," you say but he gives you a look, he can see right through you, he knows you're not fine.

You arrange for their visitors passes and lead them up to the twelfth floor. Adam makes a joke about everything being shiny. Jay makes a comment about the suit you're wearing. You smile and give him a gentle punch in the shoulder but he can see through it too. You lead them to the briefing room where everyone is waiting. Kevin makes a comment about the technology, he's impressed, you don't say anything. You indicate to a group of chairs to the side of the front. Jay and Adam sit down but everyone else remains standing. You take your position at the front; you stand with Lang and begin briefing your unit on the case. You don't realise your slip of thought until it becomes a slip of the tongue.

"That's when our unit…your unit, sorry, comes in."

Jay flashes you a smirk, you can feel your face going red but you push on, you finish the briefing without another slip of the tongue. It seems to go well but then Intelligence start asking questions, you can feel Lang get annoyed, he doesn't like it when his methods are questions but keeps it together, in front of everyone he's direct, he even agrees to let Intelligence work out of their own shop. As everyone leaves Hank comes up and shakes your hand, he holds it half a second longer than necessary, he gives you a knowing look like he knows exactly what you're feeling.

"It was nice to see you," Jay says on the way out, you give him a smile and watch them walk out. A part of you wishes you were going with them. Then Lang comes up to you.

"Working with your old unit, there's no problems right?" he asks, you can hear the threatening tone in his voice.

"No, no" you say shaking your head, "we're a family."

You can tell that wasn't the response Lang was expecting. "As long as they understand, they work for us now," he says but you can feel the inflection in his tone, it's not just Intelligence he's talking to. He's pushing the point, 'you work for me now'.

"Got it," you say, and you walk out the room, go back to your desk and sit down. You begin to pore over the files again, there is something missing. None of this feels quite right to you, people walk past you as you work but no one says hello. This place isn't a family, it feels more like a machine and you're just another cog keeping it turning. For the fourth time today you ask yourself, 'have I made the right decision?'


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Note/Summary:** This is part two of three. The entire story is from Lindsay's point of view of the events around and during episode 02.11 'We Don't Work Together Anymore'. I thought it might be a bit of fun to try and get inside her head for a bit. This was going to be a one shot but the writing got a bit away from me so it is more of a three shot. Comments/reviews are welcomed, thanks for the few left last time. It has been a while since I've tried writing in second person like this. I hope you enjoy.

* * *

An hour later you get wind that Kylie's brother has arrived, no one thought too tell you he'd arrived. You walk to the room he's sitting in, Lang is there, he introduces you as if he's been expecting you. You look at Kylie's brother Carlos, he's holding a child. Your mouth drops, and then it drops even further when he tells you the little girl is Kylie's. You ask him questions you tell him, everything is being done to find Kylie, but inside you're fuming. You've found the missing piece of the puzzle.

When you're out the room you turn to Lang, "Leave something out?" you say not even bothering to hide the hostility from your voice.

"What do you mean?" Lang looks at you confused.

"You should have told me that Kylie has a daughter," you say.

"She's got a grandma in Minneapolis and a tree nut allergy, why does it matter?"

Everything matters you want to yell, he really has no idea how significate a daughter is but you bite your tongue and give him a controlled answer.

"Because the way I work, every detail about a CI matters."

Lang looks back at you unconvinced, "And now that you know she has a kid how does it change things?" he asks, still sounding smug.

"It means she wasn't playing us," you begin, "there is no way she would risk her daughter's life and lie to the DEA. Where ever she is she is there against her will."

"Mmh, maybe," Lang says before walking away.

You suck in air through your teeth and make a b-line for the bathroom. You're pissed off and angry, you want to explode; you want to scream at Lang, tell him to his face that smugness never gets you anywhere, and that hiding information is never a good thing. In the bathroom you pace once, pace twice and then slam your hand against the wall. It hurts; a moment of pain shoots up your wrist. You pull your phone out, you can feel the muscles in your hands trembling, you pull up Hank's number. You want to call him; you want to speak to him, not because he'd your old boss but because he's your family. You want your family right now, you want to yell and scream and vent to someone but you don't call him. You can't call him because he's your old boss, because he's working with you on this case and you need to keep it professional. Instead you stare at yourself in the mirror, try to compose yourself and for the fifth time that day the doubt comes back and you ask yourself 'have I made the right decision?'

Still feeling mad you walk out the building, you don't tell Lang where you're going, he has your number if he wants to find you but you don't think he'll be looking. You walk down the street, the crisp air bites at your bear face; you do up another button on your jacket and keep walking. You need time to clear your head, get the anger and frustration out and refocus. You walk into a convenience store and begin looking at the sandwiches. You pick one for yourself, then remember Carlos and Kristina sitting alone up in the meeting room at the DEA. Lang said they weren't leaving until they found Kylie, you doubt anyone else has thought to get them food. You pick up another sandwich as well as a juice box and a cheese stick. Not exactly an amazing meal but better than nothing. You take the items to the counter, as the cashier begins to scan them you spot a stand of teddy bears, without even thinking you find yourself reaching for a white one and adding it to the pile of goods.

"The bears they always get you," the cashier smiles at you and you smile back.

The idea of helping Carlos and Kristina, of doing something to make this horrible time they're going through feel a little bit better helps your mood. Helping people is why you took the job, why you keep pushing yourself to work harder. Lang may be an arse but the taskforce do good work, you start walking back to the building, you need to do more research, you need to do something more to find Kylie.

Once in the building you head to the room Carlos and Kristina are waiting in. They're sitting in the exact same spot you left them in hours ago. Carlos looks stressed and tired, but he smiles at you when you walk into the room. You pull out the sandwich for him and the cheese stick and juice box for Kristina, he looks genuinely grateful for the food and says thank you. You smile back at him and begin to pull out the bear. Kristina's face lights up when she sees it and the moment melts your heart.

"I will get Kylie back, that promise you," you say while hoping as hard as you can that it is a promise you can keep. That you will find Kylie and bring her back alive. You know with every minute passing that Kylie is in more and more danger. You give Carlos a sad smile and go back to your desk. You begin working, running down every scrap of information you have. While sitting at the desk you feel alone, you miss your old unit, there everyone worked as a team and you never felt alone but at the DEA people did things differently. Eventually your phone starts ringing, it's Intelligence, they have one of Mendoza's lieutenants, a man named Quentin in custody.

You stand up, go tell Lang, and then drive over to the district. When you reach the bullpit there is no one there. You walk over to your desk but it's not your desk anymore, all your things are gone, it's completely clean, even your chair is gone. You see it sitting at Adams's desk, and you shake your head, it doesn't surprise you that he's stolen your chair, you had a nice chair. You begin opening the draws and Jay walks in.

"Ruzek stole my chair," you say to him.

He lets out a small laugh a 'ha' and begins telling you what's going on. Voight and Antonio have Quentin in interrogation. You ask if he's talking, Jay shakes his head no but says, "Voight hasn't had time to stretch," you give a knowing nod; you know exactly what Jay is implying.

You sit down on the edge of your desk and Jay steps towards you, he stands in front of you and looks down with a coy look in his eyes, "You know, we no longer work together," he begins to say, you raise your eyebrows and give him a half smile, "so all the old rules and regulation," he continues, "they don't apply anymore." You give him a nod and look into his eyes, he smiles back at you and you can feel the electricity between you, you want to move closer to him, you want to bridge the gap between you but then Lang walks in and the moment is lost. As you walk away you give half a glance back and see Jay standing there watching you.

You lead Lang through the familiar corridors to the interview rooms. You stand together in the observation area and watch Voight and Antonio question Quentin. They have him backed against the wall; they're both standing over him. Voight is pushing him hard, but Quentin is asking for a deal, Voight's not interested. He raises a hand to the guy, slaps him.

"You didn't see that," you say to Lang, but Voight has already gone too far. Lang pulls them both out of the interrogation and begins to berate them. Lang is by the book, Lang doesn't care that Voight's methods get results, and probably fasters than it would take to write up a deal. Voight's pissed off, he doesn't like the idea of putting the guy back on the street in less than seven year but Lang isn't interested, he wants Mendoza and he doesn't care how many small fry get loose in the process. You try to argue in Voight's favour, you agree with him, you don't want this guy back on the streets, and you know they can get him talking but Lang asserts his authority.

"Anyone has a problem with that you can take it up with the AUSA," he says cutting you off, "I'm making the deal."

You shake your head, you don't agree with him. You feel Voight step up behind you, you can feel the hostility coming off him, Antonio steps in before it gets messy, leads Voight away. You're grateful for that, you didn't want to be the one to pull Voight and Lang apart. Alone in the corridor Lang turns to you. You shake your head at him but he looks down at you.

"Don't you ever under cut me again," he threatens. You look back at him, shocked that he's said those words, and for the sixth time that day you ask yourself 'have I made the right decision?'

With the deal made Quentin starts talking, you interrogate him with Lang but it's not so much an interrogation any more as a question and answer session. It's easy to get the information from a guy when you've already given him everything he wants. You get the address, and go take it to Voight. He smiles when he sees you.

"We have an address," you say holding out the piece of paper.

"Alright, let's hit it," he says standing, he reaches for his jacket. He doesn't seem to be holding a grudge but you feel the need to apologise anyway.

"Listen Hank," you begin, shaking your head, "I'm sorry about,"

"Don't even think about it," he says pulling his jacket on, "Lang's your boss now, he's the one you need to make happy."

You nod, take in what he's saying, he nods back, offers a half smile, "We'll follow you," he says and you walk out his office together.

You walk with Hank around the junk yard, out of ear shot of everyone you begin to tell him how you're feeling, you tell him your reservations about Lang, about how he does things, about what you don't like. He listens to you like a father, he tells you to stick it out, it's only your first day, the first day is always the hardest he tells you. His words are wise, they're what you need to hear, but a part of you was hoping he'd tell you to leave, ask you to come back to Intelligence. You continue walking and meet up with Antonio, he's found the cars, the gas tanks are already destroyed, Mendoza and his other lieutenants appear to have been and gone. You feel like you've hit another dead end, then Lang calls out "Over here," you follow his voice to a smashed up red car, you've found the missing lieutenants but they're not going to be any help.

"This was a set up to take all the money," you say, making connections fast, reassessing the situation, "no wonder Quentin wanted out. Mendoza is burning it to the ground." You look straight at Lang, you shake your head, you want him to know your next words are directed at him, you want him to feel half the guilt and worry you hold about your CIs welfare. "Who knows what he'll do to Kylie if he finds out she's working with us."

"You gave a reduced sentence for this," Hank says turning to Lang, he makes no attempt to hide his hostility; to show how mad he is about the situation. Lang bites back; they get up in each other's faces. You keep your mouth shut, your place is not in the middle of this argument, but you're almost glad it's happening, Lang needs to be put in his place but Antonio steps in before it escalates, he forces the men apart. You can feel the tension in the air, it only breaks when Hank gets a phone call, he steps away and the air returns to normal.

Lang doesn't speak to you as you ride back to the district, he's still angry at Hank, angry at his authority being questioned, angry at you for bringing these people in. At the time you'd suggested bringing Intelligence in you hadn't realised how things were, how different the taskforce was to the unit. There was no doubt in your mind that Intelligence where the right people to be working the case, they did things differently but it got results. There is only so much information you can get from a computer, analysis can only get you so far, at the end you need to actually be there on the ground with the people. You know these things, and you think Lang probably knows them too but he's by the book, you're used to bending the rules a little bit.

You walk with Hank and Lang to the back of the district, to the garage where Kevin and Castillo have been counting and cataloguing the money you've already recovered. Trudy and Sean are down there too. They have more information, a new lead. You stand there and listen while Trudy and Sean convey their Intel; you can't help but notice how good they look together. How well they seem to work as a partnership, bounce off each other. It makes you miss Jay and the partnership you had. Lang is hard to read and you can't help feeling like he has an alternative agenda, that he's interested in more than just getting the bad guys off the street.

Sean finishes the briefing he hands over an address to Hank.

"Alright we did it your way," Hank says looking, straight at Lang, "now let us do it ours."

Lang looks at Hank, then he turns to you, "what do you say Erin? What's the call?" he asks. You're surprised he's asking you, you feel like this is some kind of test, a trap. You think he wants you to say no, but that's not what you want, it's not what you think it right. You look directly at Lang you want to see his reaction as you make your call.

"I say we let Sargent Voight and his team do their thing," you say, "and we keep looking for Kylie on our end."

Lang's not impressed, you can tell by the extended pause before his next response, "Fine, do it," he says sounding annoyed and pissed off, "Castillo we're out of here." You watch the members of your taskforce walk out the room; you linger long enough for Hank to give you a smile and a nod.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author Note/Summary:** This is the final part to this little adventure into Lindsay's point of view of the events around and during episode 02.11 'We Don't Work Together Anymore'. Comments/reviews are welcomed, thanks for the few left last time. It has been a while since I've tried writing in second person like this. I hope you enjoy.

* * *

Without any more leads it's hard to know where to look next in the search for Kylie. You keep going over all the DEA's research on Mendoza, looking for something you're missing but there is nothing more to find. Mendoza is a smart man he's taken the right precautions, he's not going to leave himself a paper trail that can be followed. You feel powerless waiting for Intelligence to do their thing but finally the call comes. The money has a tracking device in it, and Hank has the ID to track it.

Within minutes you're in the back seat of a taskforce SUV, relaying information between your driver and Kevin. It feels good to be finally moving, to be doing something, making progress, but at the same time completely odd and foreign to be sitting in the back seat. You never sit in the back seat but when Lang hopped in the front there wasn't anywhere else for you to go. You feel uncomfortable as you lean forward to see what's happening. Mendoza's truck is in front of you, you feel relief that this might soon be over, you hope he has Kylie, you don't want to think about the deal Mendoza might ask for if Kylie isn't with him. Immediately in front of you, you can see Jay and Kevin pursuing the truck. Lang reaches down and turns on the siren, so much for stealth you think, then the driver pulls out, cuts off Jay and Kevin to lead the pursuit. 'Was that really necessary?' you think but you don't say anything, you just hold on to your seat and hope he doesn't get away.

The truck storms through a DEA roadblock, did they really think they could stop him with a couple of gun and cars? It keeps driving, then it's losing control, swinging off the road and through a fence, crashing into a pile of gravel. As you drive in behind the truck you see Antonio and Adam pulling in a set of road spikes, 'that's how you stop a truck' you think to yourself. Then your stepping out the car, pulling out your gun, every inch of you is on alert as you slid up the passenger side of the truck. Jay and Kevin are on the other side, you hear Jay call go and the driver's door is opened. You hear Mendoza hit the ground and you move to the passenger door. Lang opens it and you see Kylie, huddling on the floor, her mouth is duct taped but her eyes are wild with fear and then relief as she sees your face.

"Are you okay?" you ask as you help her out the truck, "come on, come on, it's okay," you say walking her away from the truck. She's holding on to you tight, she's trying to talk, you pull the tape from her mouth. "Are you alright?" you ask her again, she nods at you and you begin walking her away. You take her back to the SUV; make sure she's comfortable then return to the group.

Castillo is scanning the chunks of scrap metal for the one with the cash in it. He finds it and then you watch as Kevin forces the metal apart with a giant crowbar. The pile of cash is impressive; Lang has this school boy grin on his face.

"That's going to photograph real nice," he say. Jay gives you this look, a 'did he just say that' look and he shakes his head. You give him the same look back. You're finally figuring out what Lang's angle is on all this.

"I'll take your word for it," Jay says before walking away. You look back at Lang give him a sideways look and shake your head. He's grinning at you, he's oblivious to the issue you have with his previous statement.

You ride back to headquarters with Kylie beside you. She's still shaking but some of the fear has left her eyes, some of the tension has left her body. "It's over," you tell her, "Carlos and Kristina are waiting for you. You'll see them soon." She smiles at you and reaches for your hand, you squeeze it tight. 'This is why I do this,' you think, not for the glory but for the people, keeping families together, making people safe. You can't help wondering if it would have gone this way if it wasn't for Intelligence, if the DEA could have done this on their own. You doubt they could have and wonder if they'd even care, you get the impression they're big picture, the little people don't matter to them so much.

You stand back and watch Kylie be reunited with her brother and daughter, the look of joy on all their faces makes the rest of the day worth it. You ask yourself again, 'have I made the right decision?' and for the first time today, your answer leans towards yes instead of no, someone in the DEA needs to care about the little people. You go back to your desk, begin completing your paperwork, an hour later you get a phone call, an update on Mendoza, it's good news you think and you go find Kylie. She's still sitting in the meeting room with Carlos and Kristina.

"Kylie can I talk to you?" you ask, smiling at Kristina. You walk to the other end of the meeting room, "Damien is going to prison for the rest of his life," you begin, "so you never need to worry about him again." You give Kylie a smile, she smiles back but you can tell she needs more.

"I hate to ask this," she begins, "but umm," she looks down for a moment, "the CI money's coming right?" she gives you a sad smile, "I really need it, like right now." You give her a smile and a knowing nod, you understand where she's at, why she needs the cash, you've been there once yourself but you had Hank to pick you up. Many other CIs you've worked with haven't been so lucky, they've been just like Kylie, desperate to start a new life but needing the cash to get it started. "I'll take care of it," you say and you reach out and place a hand on her shoulder, "you did great."

You try and find the information about the how the DEA gets CIs money on your own, you know how it works in Intelligence but here at the DEA everything seems to be done differently. Searching on your own you're only able to find vague references to the process, not wanting to waste any more time you go and find Lang. You find him in his office putting on a tie.

"So I know how Intelligence goes about getting their CIs money," you begin, "but I don't actually know how we go about it."

Lang looks up at you, laughs. "Everything you hear about Washington is true," he begins to tell you, "it's inefficient, bureaucratic, and a pain in the arse."

You laugh at him, not a funny laugh but a get to the point laugh, "Well if there are hoops I have to jump through I'm more than willing," you say, you know how important a CI is to any case and how important that money is when it's all over, "Kylie needs that money to get back on her feet."

Lang looks at you and shakes his head, "the DOJ still needs to review the case, hell they might not even award her any money at all." He doesn't seem to have a problem with this, but you do, you have a big problem with what he's saying.

"I gave her my word," you say, wanting him to tell you there is an alternative, wanting there to be anything other than having to go back to Kylie and say thanks for your help but there is no money for you.

Lang grabs his jacket and begins walking towards you, "Look," he says smiling, that smug look beginning to cross his face, "we reunited her with her daughter and took nearly 8 million dollars in dirty money off the street. It's time to celebrate. Let's talk about this after the press conference," He doesn't seem to see the look of disgust that crosses your face, the feeling of disbelief, you can't believe what you're hearing. "Are you ready for this?" he asks.

You shake your head, "Actually, I think I'm gonna sit this one out," you say, press conferences aren't your thing. Lang seems to shrug, he doesn't care.

"You kicked arse today," he tells you, "Big things a head for you." His final words as he heads out the room are just as surprising as the rest of the conversation. He'd been riding you hard all day, you weren't expecting the complement but it doesn't change the rest of the conversation. You feel sick to the stomach and dirty, you ask yourself again 'have I made the right decision?'

You walk back to the meeting room to tell Kylie the news, to tell her sorry but the money isn't coming anytime soon. Seeing the look on her face breaks your heart. You want to help her, you want her to get back on her feet, she's been through so much. You reach into your own wallet and pull out the $50 you have sitting in there, it's not much, not close to the thousands she should have coming to her but it's all you can offer her. She doesn't want to take it but you make her. You wish her good luck and tell her you'll be in touch as soon as you find out about the money, then you hug her and her brother and daughter goodbye.

You walk back to your desk, get your bag and leave. As you make your way out the building you see them setting up for the press conference. You shake your head in disbelief again. It's all about the glory for these guys, it's not about the people, not about making a difference, the difference is only worth it if you can get your picture on the news it seems.

You begin driving to your apartment, but you're not ready to go home, you don't want to be by yourself. You change directions and begin driving to Jay's. You're not sure why you're going there, you don't even know if he'll be home, if he'll have plans. You think maybe you should call but you don't want to do that either. You remember the look he gave you earlier in the day, the words he said when you were alone in the bullpit.

You walk up to his apartment, you knock on the door, for a moment you want to run away but then the door opens, "Hey," you say looking straight at him.

"Hey," he says, he's surprised to see you.

"Am I interrupting anything?" you ask, hoping the answer is no, hoping you haven't just made a fool of yourself by showing up.

"Umm," he says looking down at you and then back at his television, "only your own press conference," he say waving at the television, "Do you want to come in?"

"Yeah," you say stepping through his open door, you rub your hands together, and move towards his sofa, "So this is how you're spending your evening? You must really miss me?"

He comes to stand beside you, smiles, "He didn't let you do any of the talking," he says still smiling, still looking at you with those eyes. You give a shrug and cross your arms over your chest, "no offence to Lang but you're a little easier on the eyes."

You shake your head, frown, "it's not really my scene," you say, "plus Voight's got a rule, you never get your picture in the paper." You look away from the television and back at Jay, he's looking at you with those eyes again, you turn your head and hear him ask.

"Do you want to talk about your day?"

"Not really," you say turning to him again. This time he turns too, you both stand there looking into each other's eyes. You didn't come here to talk; you came because you didn't want to be alone, because you wanted someone to touch you, to hold you, to take your pain away.

Jay lifts his hand and gently touches the side of your face, when you don't pull away he lifts the other hand. You hold the gaze for a moment then he leans in to kiss you. The electricity between you ignites and you feel your body temperature rising. He spins you around and in a mess of hands and gaze leads you to the bedroom. Somewhere along the way the layers of clothing you each wear come off. When you hit the bed you're moving in synch with each other, you don't need to talk; instinctively you know what the other wants, what the other needs. At first it's fast, there is a hunger and ferocity to your movements, then it slows, becomes gentle, you've been waiting for this moment for so long you want to savour it but then the intensity builds again. When it's all over you lay against each other on the bed, your head resting against his chest, his arm wrapped around your body. You pull yourself closer trying to claim some of his body heat. He holds you, runs his fingers lazily along your hip, you run your fingers through his chest hair, and along the scar on his arm.

"Where did you get that?" you ask, and he smiles at you.

"Molly's," he says with a coy look in his eyes, "that was my ticket into Intelligence."

"Oh," you say and your smile widens, "I always wondered how a knuckle head like you got into Intelligence."

He laughs at your half attempt at a joke and you fall silent again. You don't need to talk; just being with each other is enough, feeling each other. You lay like that for a long time, you feel Jay drift asleep beside you and then your phone starts ringing. You roll away to answer it, Jay reaches for you, "Stay," he says but you keep moving, you recognise the ring tone, Hank's calling and the two of you have a rule, you always answer the others phone calls.

You find your phone in your jacket pocket halfway between the bedroom and the lounge room.

"Hey Hank," you say answering the phone just before it hangs up.

"Erin?" he says, he sounds worried as he speaks, "Where are you?"

"Jay's," you say, "why?"

"Oh," for a moment he sounds almost disappointed, "I'm at your place, I brought some beers, I thought maybe you'd want to talk about today."

"No," you say feeling the tiniest bit bad about not being home, "thanks but I'm okay. I don't need to talk about it. I know what I need to do."

"And what's that?"

"Give it another go," it was a decision you'd come to somewhere during the evening, you couldn't pick where it happened, but you knew it was the right thing to do, someone needed to be there for the little people, "like you said, the first days are always the hardest."

"Okay," Hank says to you down the line, "I'm proud of you and remember I'll always be here if you need to talk."

"Thanks," you say knowing he's speaking the truth.

"And if you do decide to come back, know you're welcome, Burgess turned down your spot, it's still open."

"Thanks," you say again, "I've got to go. I'll call you tomorrow."

You hang up the phone and walk back to the bedroom.

"Who was that?" Jay asks you.

"Hank," you say giving him a smile, "he wanted to have a beer, I hold him I was here."

"And what did he say?"

"Nothing," you say giving him a big smile, "he's not the boss of me anymore the rules and regulations don't apply."

"No," Jay said giving you a smile, "but he's still my boss and he's still your father."

"Let's see him try and stop us," you say and you place your phone on the side table and begin crawling toward Jay on the bed. When you reach him you kiss, and he pulls you close. Today had been horrible but tonight has been good you think. It crosses your mind that maybe this, you and Jay would make the shift to the DEA worth it.


End file.
